In less than two years I have said goodbye to two very important people in my life.

The first time I didn’t know what to expect, or how to feel.
I spent a good portion of my time being positive.
Feeling grateful for all the gifts she left me, even in death.
I didn’t spend much time grieving.
I traveled, met family, cherished memories, and tried to be there for others sharing this loss.

It’s not to say I wasn’t suffering her loss. I was. Still am.
It was one of the most devastating experiences of my life.
Still,
I was at peace because she was no longer suffering.
I was at peace because I had the opportunity to care for her, the way she cared for me.
I was at peace because I saw how the universe and everything in it comes full circle.

She taught me that we all have a mission in life. When I asked her if she thought she had completed her mission, she told me that wasn’t her judgement to make.
I disagree, because I’m not really a religious person and I don’t really have any views on where we go when we die.
Still, based on the way events unfolded in everyone’s life, including hers, I’m comfortable thinking she lived the fullest life and there was nothing left for her in this world.

The second loss is more recent.
It’s only been eight days since I said goodbye to another beautiful life.
I knew what to expect emotionally and physically.
Yet, I was surprised to see that strength from before rise in me again.
To see that my previous response to death wasn’t because I didn’t know what to expect, but because I do not fear it.

It’s taken me eight days to put find words for the things I’m feeling.
Obviously I feel sad.
But also a little guilty.
Guilty because I haven’t cried much for her.
Guilty because memories of her only make me smile.
Guilty because no matter how hard I try, I can’t relate to others sharing this loss.

She lived 84 beautiful, healthy years.
84 years without a single headache, any visual/hearing aids, and walking on her own.
84 years eating as she pleased with no worries.
84 years traveling and shopping and buying all the gifts for everyone she loved.

The only thing I’ve felt is that this is not our moment to be sad.
We’re only saying goodbye to one person.
We’ll feel her absence and we’ll miss her witty banter.
We’ll wish our attempts at her recipes were successful.
We’ll never be able to fill her shoes.

She had to say goodbye to 8 children, 19 grandchildren, about 30 great-grandchildren, and even some great, great-grandchildren.
She had to say goodbye to all the sights she’s seen, her favorite foods, her favorite music, and tv shows.
She had to say goodbye to car rides, prayers, hugs, and phone calls.
She gets to find out if she completed her mission, if her beliefs were real, and if we ever truly get to be together again.

She had to say goodbye to the entire universe and explore what happens on the other side.